her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
