I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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