just come out here and I will go home with you...
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
