Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
