It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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