everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize