I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
