i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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