i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
