I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Randomize
