we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
