I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
