I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
