by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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