Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
