News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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