He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
