you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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