his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize