When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
