I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You can't just leave with hair like that
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
