Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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