I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
