My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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