I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
