so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
