Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I smell stomach acid.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
