It's Friday. Sex?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
