One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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