Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
