My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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