What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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