Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
