you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
