At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
