never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
