Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
