I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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