I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
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