She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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