i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I supernannyed him into submission
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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