you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
