he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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