Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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