Kiss
Puke
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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