I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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