my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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