I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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