I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i wish my penis had a tongue
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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