i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Randomize
