she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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