One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
