There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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