I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Randomize
