I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
