If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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