Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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