I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize