Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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