I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
