Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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