just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
