I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
