Someone shit on the floor
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
