Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
