im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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