i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
