I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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